There is a dream I have most nights and it seems to be the only reminder that I’m finally clean and sober once again. I’ve had this dream for 6 or more months now. The content of the dream remains the same. It’s my most feared nightmare, the only one I find necessary to pray to never have again. It’s recurrence is truly disturbing. I can think of much better ways to be reminded of my new life.

The dream begins by being woken up by her voice. I hear it very clearly yet I have no idea what she says. I only know it’s her voice waking me up. I search my apartment frantically. She isn’t there. I search and search and I never find her. Her presence is really strong. This is when I realize it’s a dream and I’m woken up again by her voice. I search my apartment frantically. She isn’t there. It starts all over again. This continues. I wake up in the dream and then from the dream into the dream. I’ve never been able to count how many times it repeats itself.

Now that my head is clearer and I know more the dream has actually become a good thing in a way (though some things I wish I didn’t know at all). When I finally wake up I’m not covered in sweat and I don’t look for a bottle of vodka. I drink a little water and sometimes smoke a cigarette knowing it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay in this new sober life.

Every 1st day of the new year I find myself sitting here wondering what to say to all of my readers – something intelligent, joyful, funny, witty or just plain insane. It’s always a battle. And once it’s written I’ll read it over and over again. Edit. Edit. Edit. I simply wont be happy with it. So, with that said, here goes nothing…

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